Bruce’ill set aboot ye

This is the story of the bold Bruce’s first steps upon the road to Scotland’s independence. Now, as to what occurred on the 10th of February, 1306, chroniclers disagree, and for hundreds of years historians have argued about what took place and why. Had Bruce planned to murder Comyn and seize the throne? Did Red Comyn draw his dagger first? Well, after much time spent comuning with the spirit of saint William Wallace, I think I have the jist of it.

After arranging for a square go with John Comyn and his posse, Bruce and his gang sauntered to Greyfriars Kirk in Dumfries, to meet with the ‘red’ Comyn, the obstacle to the Bruce’s rightful place upon the throne of Scotland. Leaving behind their swords, and much like the rules of the thunder dome, two men entered, one man left.

Red Comyn was slain at the altar. Now some would seek to disparage the bold Bruce’s character here, by saying that he drew steel first, but come on folks, John Comyn was a well known fanny, and so most likely deserved it anyway. Plus, its Robert the Bruce were talking about here, do you think he, saint Wallace, and god, would be partying it up in heaven right now if he had been a murderer?

Regardless, after the Bold yin had told his mates that he had set aboot Comyn and kicked the shite right oot of him, and that he thought he might have went and killed him an’aw, one of them, by the name of Roger Kirkpatrick, asked “You doubt. Ise mac siccar” Now, I’m not at all sure this man wasn’t drunk when he asked this, but the nearest I could translate it to be is as follows:

‘You doubt. I will make sure’ (I like to imagine that he said this with a Russian accent) so if you’re going to blame anybody, blame that nutcase for the murder.

Anyway, the English court went and tattled on the bold Bruce to the pope, saying that:

‘Bruce rose against King Edward as a traitor, and murdered Sir John Comyn, Lord of Badenoch, in the church of the Friars Minor in the town of Dumfries, at the high altar, because John would not assent to the treason which Bruce planned… to resume war.. And make himself king of Scotland.’

As far as I can translate this, it goes as follows:

‘Hello Mr. Pope, its England again, and we are so, so, so sorry to bother you, but those ruddy Jocks are all at it again, if you’ll excuse my French, and they simply refuse to play nicely, for not only did they spill blood in the house of the lord, but they’re all going on about this independence malarkey again! Oh, and they ruddy well didn’t bother to clean it up afterwards’

I like to imagine this in a ‘nanny nanny, poo, poo.’ type tone.

Anyway, Edward the puny came to Scotland, ready to teach us unruly Jocks a lesson. But instead, he ended up shiteing himself when he watched his army get a hideing, and then bolted from Scotland like a junkie caught shoplifting from pound stretchers.

The end.